Elegant Speech

Elegant speech is soft—soft voice, no straining, no nasal.

Proper grammar is elegant.

Slang is not elegant.

And so, naturally, I have a voice that strains whenever I’m self-conscious (that means most of the time).  Furthermore, over the years I’ve dumbed down my grammar because of being around people who think speaking properly is a sign of being stuck-up.  And I’m dreadful about slang.  But let others say what they will; I’ve decided to speak confidently and properly.  Now I need to practice it.

In the olden days, young ladies of a certain class were given voice lessons for singing and elocution (proper pronunciation).  Lessons are still available, but if you’re time and money crunched like me, we have the Internet—a great source for video demonstrations.  And actors, bless their hearts, have put up lots of videos to demonstrate their craft.  They get exposure, we get new tips and ideas—everybody wins!

Actors practice vocal warm up exercises, such as tongue twisters and simply reading aloud from books.  I particularly like tongue twisters because not only do you have to move your mouth properly, you have to think about what you are saying—good practice for living in the moment, I say.  Both types of exercises help your elocution.

You also want to practice voice modulation.  In other words, avoid monotone and extremes in either the high or low register.  Sentences usually start in the medium to high register, and then drop to the lower register at the end, if you are making a statement.  If you are asking a question, your voice goes higher at the end of the sentence.  Basic, yes, but when people are stressed or self-conscious, they forget.  I forget.  That’s why I’m practicing this.

You also want to open your voice resonators—in other words, you don’t want to hold your body in a way that blocks airflow.  You need to straighten your back, with chin parallel to the ground, not tucked in, and shoulders down and back, rather than hunched up (I need to remind myself of this—I do the self protective posture of hunching over and being “little” when I’m nervous).  And be careful of sounding nasal.  I can’t describe how to make a nasal tone, but you know it when you do it.  (Think of Fran Drescher’s character’s voice on “The Nanny”.  And don’t do that).

I’m a believer in modeling, which means looking around you and imitating who you admire.  And don’t worry—assuming you’re mentally healthy, you won’t become a creepy, stalkerish clone of that person.  You’ll simply take on the traits you want and discard the rest.

Some examples of ladylike voices:

Ingrid Bergman, Olivia De Havilland, Donna Reed, Kim Novak, Lauren Bacall (which is particularly interesting because she had a low, almost masculine voice, but nobody would ever mistake her for a man!)

I’m sure there are more modern examples, I just can’t think of any right now.  I’m afraid we don’t live in very elegant times

Detachment

It seems that our thoughts and feelings are not really hidden.  Stress shows itself in your face, your carriage, and your attitude.  It’s very hard to be elegant when you’re carrying baggage.  This is an essay I wrote a few months ago  about letting go. 

The first thing is detatchment—let it go.  Whatever it is that’s holding you back, let it go.

For instance, you are in a dysfunctional relationship dynamic with your family.  You have good ideas, but nobody listens to you.

Let it go.

An outsider comes into the family.  Maybe you don’t like this outsider.  Maybe their attitudes and beliefs are alien and irritating to you.  Maybe this person isn’t even that nice to you.

But your family welcomes them with open arms, treating their opinions as Gospel truth, elevating them above you.

Let it go.

Let it all go. 

Have you done everything in your power to be a force for healing in your family, only to have your words fall on deaf ears and your efforts unseen by blind eyes?

Let it go.   Seriously.  What are you going to gain by putting “more effort” into it?

This is the doorway of what used to be called “heroic virtue”.

Continue to love your family.  Continue to keep your latch-string out. Continue your periodic friendly gestures. 

What you are letting go of is any need for compensation for your effort. 

Let it go.  Physically—unclench your stomach, unfurl your brow.  Mentally—turn your thoughts away from the dysfunction and towards something lovely and beautiful.  Spiritually—offer up a little prayer for your people and remember that all dysfunction comes from a wounded spirit.

A monk once doubted that God could really love people with all their sins and weakness.  His guardian angel showed him a vision:  at the bottom of the cold dark sea, there was frail, shivering, naked creature trapped under a rock.  The creature was so pathetic that the monk couldn’t help but love it.  That’s how we look to God, the angel explained.  Our sins don’t make us strong, wise and powerful, as we fancy ourselves to be.  In the eyes of God they make us just as that creature.

Imagine your tormenters, your unsatisfying relationships as that creature (it’s not really imagination—it’s the unseen reality).  Is there any room in your heart now for pettiness?

Learn to abide in God and you will be able to accept the weaknesses of other people with equanimity.

(By the way, this is not the same as not caring about other people—that will be a post for another time)

While you are letting all this go, dig into yourself a little bit.  Why do you want the esteem of these people?  Why does it bother you that a stranger is getting the esteem you crave?  Will it all matter next month, next year, next century? 

Here’s a radical suggestion—let the other person enjoy their day in the limelight, and don’t draw attention to yourself.

And be very careful that you don’t neglect the people who really love and need you, chasing after the esteem of people who don’t. 

Starting with the basics

Violet Chronicles is all about the elegant life.  I'm on a journey towards a life of civility and elegance, and I want to share what I'm learning.  There's so much to say, but  let's start with a basic lesson in deportment:  How to climb stairs.

Walking upstairs

First, of all, you are in no rush.  Stand up straight, bottom tucked under, and keeping the weight on your supporting leg, place the entire sole of your foot on the stair in front of you.  Then shift your weight to that leg.  Watch where you are going, eyes up and in front.  Move slowly.

Walking downstairs

Hold the banister, and use the balls of your feet.  Don’t rush, and make sure you have your balance before attempting the next step.  Keep your toes pointed forward.

Incidentally, I haven’t been able to learn to walk downstairs quietly in strapless mules yet.  When I figure out the trick, I’ll share it.