Detachment

It seems that our thoughts and feelings are not really hidden.  Stress shows itself in your face, your carriage, and your attitude.  It’s very hard to be elegant when you’re carrying baggage.  This is an essay I wrote a few months ago  about letting go. 

The first thing is detatchment—let it go.  Whatever it is that’s holding you back, let it go.

For instance, you are in a dysfunctional relationship dynamic with your family.  You have good ideas, but nobody listens to you.

Let it go.

An outsider comes into the family.  Maybe you don’t like this outsider.  Maybe their attitudes and beliefs are alien and irritating to you.  Maybe this person isn’t even that nice to you.

But your family welcomes them with open arms, treating their opinions as Gospel truth, elevating them above you.

Let it go.

Let it all go. 

Have you done everything in your power to be a force for healing in your family, only to have your words fall on deaf ears and your efforts unseen by blind eyes?

Let it go.   Seriously.  What are you going to gain by putting “more effort” into it?

This is the doorway of what used to be called “heroic virtue”.

Continue to love your family.  Continue to keep your latch-string out. Continue your periodic friendly gestures. 

What you are letting go of is any need for compensation for your effort. 

Let it go.  Physically—unclench your stomach, unfurl your brow.  Mentally—turn your thoughts away from the dysfunction and towards something lovely and beautiful.  Spiritually—offer up a little prayer for your people and remember that all dysfunction comes from a wounded spirit.

A monk once doubted that God could really love people with all their sins and weakness.  His guardian angel showed him a vision:  at the bottom of the cold dark sea, there was frail, shivering, naked creature trapped under a rock.  The creature was so pathetic that the monk couldn’t help but love it.  That’s how we look to God, the angel explained.  Our sins don’t make us strong, wise and powerful, as we fancy ourselves to be.  In the eyes of God they make us just as that creature.

Imagine your tormenters, your unsatisfying relationships as that creature (it’s not really imagination—it’s the unseen reality).  Is there any room in your heart now for pettiness?

Learn to abide in God and you will be able to accept the weaknesses of other people with equanimity.

(By the way, this is not the same as not caring about other people—that will be a post for another time)

While you are letting all this go, dig into yourself a little bit.  Why do you want the esteem of these people?  Why does it bother you that a stranger is getting the esteem you crave?  Will it all matter next month, next year, next century? 

Here’s a radical suggestion—let the other person enjoy their day in the limelight, and don’t draw attention to yourself.

And be very careful that you don’t neglect the people who really love and need you, chasing after the esteem of people who don’t.